i'm just thinking...

It's a Saturday night and I'm sitting alone at a Panera in Elgin. I hate calling it Elgin cause Sleepy Hollow is right across the street.

Anyways, after repeated viewings of Clerks II (I've seen it twice with a third scheduled at around midnight tonight) and watching some assorted episodes of the Wonder Years on Youtube, I've been thinking a lot about my life and the point I've reached so far.

I'm 20 years old and I basically make a big deal on telling everyone that. That and the fact at the year's end I'll be 21. Have I reached all the expectations I thought I'd achieve by this age?

Absolutely not.

I'm without a job. I don't have a place of my own. I'm still at least twenty pounds overweight. I'm not having a real effect on my world. But at least I'm happy. Or think I'm happy.

I feel a lot like Dante in Clerks II. He's a guy that seems like he's always in conflict with what he's doing in his life and what he thinks he should be doing. He's all set to make the gigantic leap and leaving behind what's familiar. He seems all gung-ho about it, but you can't help but feel this undercurrent of doubt consuming him.

Randal makes a really profound point at the end of the movie by urging Dante to make the most of a life that 'makes sense to him' instead of doing something he 'thinks he should be doing' because he's getting older. I took real comfort in that. Should I be looking for some stupid ass job because I'm 'expected' to? Or should I wait it out and find something I really love?

I hope to make a good life for myself. I hope that I learn some really good things on the way. It's just scary because I don't know how I'm going to get there.... and if I do, will I be disappointed with the results?